Spider-Webbing: The Scary Dating Trend, Explained
Whether you're scared of arachnids or not, getting stuck in a sticky spider web is never pleasant. It's even worse when, after getting trapped in the web, you realize a vicious spider landed on your skin, ready to take a nasty bite. Unsurprisingly, a new dating trend dubbed "spider-webbing" can be just as icky and venomous.
As Emma Hathorn, Seeking.com's in-house dating expert, explained to Glamour, "Spider-webbing is a collection of manipulative tactics some singletons will implement to try and win over a date." Think of it as a toxic mix of gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, and other red-flag dating behaviors, all woven together. Just when you've caught on to one form of manipulation, the partner will use another, keeping you trapped in their tangled web of lies and deceit.
Similar to actual spiderwebs, spider-webbing strategies can be difficult to see until it's too late. Translation: It's not your fault if you fall for a spiderwebber, so don't beat yourself up if you realize you've gotten caught in their manipulative net. With that said, there are signs to watch for and ways to get out.
Look for hot-and-cold behavior
Spider-webbing involves a poisonous combination of different toxic dating trends, so the "spider" can seem unpredictable. Instead of misinterpreting their behavior as being mysterious or just part of the chase, consider it a red flag. In a Psychology Today article, relationship and health expert Dr. Bruce Y. Lee explained that inconsistent actions are a common sign of spider-webbing. One day, they're love-bombing you with affection, and another, they're acting distant and barely messaging back. Sure, everyone has off days, but if the person you're dating acts cold just as often as they run warm — or if they attack or demean you on their "bad" days — you're better off without them.
Also, keep a close eye on how they act after slipping up. "For example, they may blame their bad behaviour on how much they love and care for you, rather than reflecting that they can choose whether to express their affection in a more healthy and balanced way," psychotherapist and author Tasha Bailey told HuffPost. "A manipulative partner will likely also have a lot of difficulty with taking accountability, hence them depending on gaslighting techniques or projecting blame onto anyone else but themselves."
What to do if you're caught in a web
If your relationship is making you feel confused or unsettled, listen to your gut and speak up. Emma Hathorn told Metro that, in some cases, a spider-webber can be stopped without having to end the relationship. "Address your concerns with your partner if you feel safe doing so. Try to express how their behaviour is affecting you and the relationship. Sometimes, open communication can lead to positive changes," Hathorn explained.
However, if you no longer feel safe and supported in the partnership, take it as a sign to leave. If your significant other has been weaving their web around you for a while, you may think that you owe them an explanation for why you'd like to break things off, but you might want to rethink this approach. Manipulative people often lean on guilt and sympathy to get what they want, according to WebMD. That means that your S.O. may attempt to make you feel bad for them if you initiate a breakup, which could derail your decision. Instead, be clear about your intentions and, only if you feel safe doing so, let them know that from now on, you're strengthening your boundaries against manipulative spider-webbing tactics.
Finally, if you feel unsafe or overpowered by your partner, seek help. You don't have to stay stuck in an abusive spiderweb alone. Reach out to a trustworthy loved one, therapist, or support line.
If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.